I swore I would never enter the world of blog...I thought it was stupid and useless and quite honestly, I figured that anyone who was at all interested in my life either already knows what is going on, or knows how to find out, ie by calling, emailing or---heaven forbid---speaking to me in person. It is much the same way I feel about Christmas letters. I can't bring myself to do them. I tried, I really did. But the pressure to be clever, cute, creative and condensed was more than I could handle, especially at the holidays, so I quit. And to be honest, there are precious few I actually take the time to read when they are sent to me...for much the same reason. So, on the extremely remote chance that anyone actually ever reads this...if you send me a Christmas letter, and it is more than a couple of paragraphs long and in a font smaller than 16....forget it. I am sure you had an event filled and spiritually satisfying year of weddings, births, travel and graduations....but I probably am not going to read it. Besides, you probably also sent me an announcement of all weddings, births and graduations, so save the stamp or the ink on your printer....I don't mean to be rude, but that is the truth. Which brings me back to the blogging world. I am not a "scrapper" (as I am told they prefer to be called), nor am I a very good journal writer. I am a terrible photographer (outdone only by my mother), and my creative side shriveled up years ago with my smooth skin and tight knees. So this blogging thing really felt wrong to me. Until lately. I am not sure what changed truthfully. In fact, I am not sure that it actually HAS changed. I still feel awkward and dumb and like I am wasting a perfectly good Saturday morning. But, since events of this week have left me feeling like I just want to be in my jammies all day, and I have a lot on my mind...I decided to give this a go and see if venting some of my thoughts out would help organize them in my brain. I will probably post like twice a year...if I can remember the name of my own blog....so don't look for regular updates,...(who the hell do I think is even reading this to care?) And the reality is that I sat here at my kitchen counter for almost 30 minutes just trying to decide on a name...again the clever, cute thing was over whelming. Amazingly enough, when I came up with Kapenta Fish, it was an available name...what? no Kapenta Fish lovers out there?
Why Kapenta Fish you might ask? Who knows. That's the truth. They are completely nasty little fish that are left out in the sun to dry--scales, eyes, innerds and all---then eaten. Crunchy and extremely salty (or so I am told since I never had the nerve to actually eat one), but nutritious too I am told. And cheap. I was introduced to Kapenta Fish in Africa last summer...only a life time ago. My favorite little kids eat them. Mostly because they have nothing else to eat I am guessing. They are a necessary evil...(a blog name I tried but was taken, thank you very much). And yet, these darling kids gobble them up like they were candy with gratitude and enthusiasm. I am trying to take that lesson into my head today. Gobbling up the nasty, salty crunchy yucky part of my life that I am sure is nutritious for me on some level, and doing it with gratitude and enthusiasm. It is harder than tasting those fish would have been, but somehow, I feel necessary.
So, Kapenta Fish it is and Kapenta Fish it will remain. A place where I can try to examine and then gobble up the nasty, salty and yet "good for you" stuff in my life. Maybe, like my sweet little Alice, I will even grow to love the Kapenta Fish of my life...who knows? But today, my plate is full of Kapenta Fish, a huge pile of it, and I am not hungry, and I didn't order them, and I don't want them...and yet...like my mother did when I was a young girl, LIFE is standing over me shaking it's bony finger in my face telling me to eat them anyway because they are good for me....and I can't get down from the table and play until I do....
While I am not at liberty to name these fish at this point in time (on the completely off chance that somebody I know actually reads this), a day will come when I do. Suffice it to say, they are nasty and I don't like them and I don't want them. And I am struggling to see how and why they will be good for me. And quite frankly, I don't even feel like getting down from the table to play...I am content to sit here in my jammies and stare at the Kapenta Fish and wonder how they got here and how in the world I will ever be able to eat them...let alone with gratitude and enthusiasm. But eat them I must...just not today
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