I used to fantasize about Valentine's Day...romance, flowers, candy, big teddy bears, the whole schmultz. Then, I actually fell in love and found out it is just a tv commercial. Valentine's Day sells everything from pajamas to laundry detergent. But it is not real. It is, I have determined, a ploy begun by the Hallmark company to sell cards, candy, stuffed toys and silly glass figurines that we would NEVER otherwise purchase. That is fine, it is capitalism and that is what a business is supposed to do...however...it has nothing to do with love. Nothing at all. A couple of Valentine Days stand out in my past. Both have everything to do with love. I will share.
February 12, 1987...Milwaukee, WI...what should have been a normal 20 week check up at the OBGYN for expected baby #4. Husband is in medical school, children 1-3 ages 6,5,and 3are in the waiting room while I am examined. No biggy. Except...I don't feel pregnant any more. Just stressed I am told. But the scales indicate that I have not only not gained any weight in 4 weeks, but I have not gained the usual 5 pounds gained between weeks 16 and 20 in all three previous pregnancies. Just worried and not eating enough I am told..."see! there is the heart beat" thump thump thump...only problem is it is NOT the baby's heart beat. It is mine. Let's just get an ultrasound to be sure I am told. gone.
February 13, 1987....procedure to remove the "remains of products of conception" performed. WHAT???????? Remains of products of conception????? Are you kidding me???? Okay, so the baby is gone, the promise of the child is broken and the with it my heart. Now what? Who cares? I don't.
February 14, 1987...Valentine's Day....Mt Siani Hospital, Milwaukee, WI....hospital room where I bleed, and cry endlessly and with no control. So what. Who cares? he does, he did, and he held me.
February 11, 2011...Savannah, GA....dinner with husband and child #4 (5) and her husband....shoe in air waiting to drop....world turned upside down.
February 12, 2011...nothing worth doing, nothing worth saying except I am sorry I let you down, I am sorry I didn't do my job correctly.
February 13, 2011...fasting, praying, pondering, seeking comfort and answers....gratitude for eternity
February 14, 2011...promises of hanging on, promises of finding a way...worry, tears, fear. So what. Who cares? I do, I will and I will hold him.
Valentine's Day has nothing to do with love. Life has to do with love. Loss has to do with love. Holding has to do with love, sharing has to do with love. A heart shaped cookie (though uneaten) has to do with love. And a sweet paper note of love and commitment left on a lap top in the morning has to do with love. I hope Hallmark and pajama-grams makes plenty of money today. This is America and that is their business. But it doesn't have anything to do with love. My Valentine knows what does. And I love him so.
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