Pine Valley on the side

I knew I would stink, like Kapenta Fish, at this blogging thing...and I do. I just re-read my last post and sadly many of those unanswered questions have been answered.  As I approach this summer, so much has changed and then so much hasn't.  It is hard to believe that a year has gone by already.  That whole "when you're having fun" thing...not so much.  It just flies regardless of what you are doing.
So, mom died.  She wasn't supposed to do that either.  She went "home" to Joan's house just after Thanksgiving.  8 days later she was back in the hospital with pneumonia....again. I knew it would happen, I just had hoped it would take longer than 8 days.  Alas, after a couple of weeks in the hospital, and a week in the rehab hospital, she was sick again.   Pneumonia...still...and influenza A and B and CDiff...talk about alphabet soup...and then she was gone.  Just gone.  I had to make that unspeakable decision and turn off a machine that gave me a mom...and allowed her to become a box of ashes that haunts me to this moment sitting up in the closet "hidden" under a blue towel where I am not supposed to know where it is.  Good hiding Wayne.  It was a hell of a birthday present.  She left the world the day she brought me into it.  We were both born that day, but it sucked.  I miss her every day.  The drs kept telling us her "numbers" were looking better and that she was getting better.  But I knew differently.  I could smell the Kapenta Fish and they were not to be ignored.  I knew those lungs of hers and I knew they were done.  Drs are stupid.  (and I am married to one, so...)  they look at numbers and machines and test results and charts...but not often do they look into souls. 
Consequently, the questions of going home, and coming back, and living with me, and all of that was answered in a split second and a last breath...a quiet sigh, and a look of emptiness in the eyes of a parent who I loved and needed.  I sure wish I could get that image out of my head.  But some Kapenta Fish never leave.
I miss her.  every time I shower, I think of helping her shower, and wash her hair.  Every time I put on my pink robe, I can see her skinny little legs coming down from inside that robe while I dried her off.  Every time I open a container of cottage cheese or yougart or make toast I miss making her breakfast and lunch.  Every time I watch a talent show on tv I miss watching it with her and eating ice cream cones.  I hate shopping, never loved it, but HATE it now cuz she isn't there to push in the wheel chair and shop with.  I dread the holidays and my birthday and my life without my mom.  Losing Dad was enough for one year, wasn't it?  Did I have to lose them both?  and move?  and still not have a home?  and live on 1/3 the promised pay? ( a post for another day), and have no friends, and miss my kids and grand babies?  Isn't that all enough for one year?  I am full.  I can't eat any more freakin Kapenta Fish or I will vomit out my soul.  STOP already!  I am done.  How do I get down from this table and walk away? Feeling powerless is the worst feeling I know and I have never felt so powerless in my life. I miss my parents, their advice, their support, their encouragement and love.  I miss their voices and their hugs and their cards.  My heart has a huge empty hole in it, filled up with Kapenta fish.
And then there was Pine Valley.  For so many months I prayed for peace of mind and just peace of any kind.  I never thought I would find it.  Then there was Pine Valley.  It was the stop over place we were gong to have to live until our house sold and we could move to St George.  Well, Pine Valley is no stop over.  It is the other half of my being.  It is the part of me that I have longed for for the past 20+ years.  It completes me.  It doesn't pull the fish out of my empty heart, it doesn't make the loss hurt less or the painful memories go away.  But is speaks peace to my soul and allows me to rest.  There will be no move to St George if I have a say in it.  I do hope to move to my own house someday.(if the Savannah house ever sells....another kettle of fish)  But it will be in Pine Valley even if it has to be a small shack it will be my home in Pine Valley.  The mountains surround me like Father's arms and hold me close.  The wind carries their voices into my heart and the sky is so  blue that it is almost transparent enough to see right into heaven.  Even the blankets of snow were like bandages to my wounds.  Pine Valley heals me. 
So, I have still a huge plate of Kapenta Fish, but, I also have a heaping helping of Pine Valley on the side and it sweetens the taste and that helps a lot.  Chomp chomp, I work away at the fish, but every bite is taken dipped in Pine Valley so I can swallow.