It is interesting to me that time goes by, without noticing it, and everything changes while everything stays the same.  I just realized that I have not blogged in a very long time...told you I wouldn't.  And the original plate of Kapenta Fish that I discussed and that spurred me into this bloggisphere (sp) in the first place, has indeed been eaten, digested and the taste is almost, though not completely, gone from my mouth.  When I started this blog, I had no idea how or when those Kapenta fish would be consumed...but they were.  Over time, and with patience and a little at a time, they have been consumed.  They did taste every bit as nasty and salty and disgusting as I knew they would, but with Help (using the capital H to indicate the source of that help), I was able to do what seemed impossible.  Amazing.  and Encouraging..because, in the time that has elapsed since the last blog and certainly since the first blog....."a whole new kettle of fish" as my brother would say, has been dumped onto the briefly empty plate of life.  And this pile of fish really stinks!  I am very hopeful for the same kind of Help I got before, because I really need it this time...and I am really really not hungry for these Kapenta fish.
So, this past summer has been miserable.  I have never liked summer to begin with.  Never really that thrilled to be out of school, rather prefer a schedule and routine.  Never been a huge lover of the beach or sunning.  Grilling is good, but so is crock potting...and Heat is absolute HELL.  I hate sweating, I hate clothes sticking to me, I hate flat hair and melted make up...I HATE being hot.  Period.  But this summer, I even missed all that is tolerable about summer...I missed the 4th of July with my family...and the 6 ft rattle snake they found, killed and grilled in our yard, I missed swimming in the pool (maybe made it out the door 5 times all summer), I missed vacation with my son, I missed leisurely laying around and reading or visiting...gone.  none of it.  This summer will be remembered not for hot dogs and fireworks, not for naps and relaxing vacations...this will forever be the summer of sadness, loss and stress.  My father died.  He wasn't supposed to do that.  He was supposed to stay here for me to confide in and talk to and learn from and laugh with.  He was NOT supposed to fall down at church, be diagnosed with lung/brain cancer and be dead in 5 days.  That was NOT supposed to happen.....but it did.  Big plate of stinkin Kapenta Fish there.  Enjoy.
My mom was not supposed to fall 12 days after coming home from finishing up my father's business and break her collar bone.  That was also not supposed to happen.  She was also not supposed to then fall again and break her tail bone...nope not that either.  She is supposed to be my mom..my example, the professor, the intelligent woman.  She is not supposed to be frail, and forgetful, and feable with a walker and a breathing machine and a million pills to take daily.  She is not supposed to be the child.  She is supposed to be the mom. 
And we are moving....after 17 years of desperately wanting to get out of the swamp...the heat, the humidity, the awfulness that is Savannah...we are given the opportunity to move to Utah!  It was such a good thing...early in the summer.  But today, it is a scary, dark and foreboding thing.  No friends, no peers, no ward, not even an address...not of our own.  No security, nothing familiar, nothing normal.  Dark, scary, insecure and......dare I say.....wrong.  I don't know that it IS wrong, just that at this moment of Kapenta Fish...it feels very wrong.  But EVERYTHING feels wrong.  NOTHING feels right, or normal or comfortable anymore. 
But....I must admit, there were a few things this summer that were good...truly good.  I got to spend time with and know my brother and his wonderful wife.  Because it is just the two (3 or 4 if you count Shari and Wayne), of us...we had to deal with Dad's passing alone.  But, dad being dad...it was completely organized and as "easy" as it could be.  Thanks for that Dad...that was good.  It was good...no GREAT...to spend time with Mike and Shari and to renew relationships that had been stretched to the thinnest possible layer  for many many years.  But I love them, and that was good...very very good.  It was also good to ......actually, I think that was the only really good part of the summer. 
Taking care of my mom has also had its good...difficult but good...spending time with her alone has been good.  Being able to repay some of the compassion and caring that she showed me while I was a kid has been good.  Watching her interact and get to know Rylan has been good.  Having opportunities to express my love for her daily has been good. 
But the Kapenta Fish of not knowing the future is HUGE on my plate.  When we will move..exactly...who knows.  When we will sell our house...who knows.  When we will be able to be in a place of our own...who knows.  When/IF we will be taking mom home to live with Joan...who knows.  If mom will be coming to live with us...who knows.  When she will fall again, or get sick again and I will have to start this whole process over again...who knows.  Will I be able to go see Garrett and Hannah's baby when it is born ....who knows.  Will I be able to give Rylan his birthday party....who knows.  How will we pay for this move, our life and help our kids with their needs....who knows.  Will Wayne's license come through in time or will he be out of work and out of pay check for a while....who knows.  When will I be able to go with Mike and Shari to Michigan to see my father's grave and finally say good bye....who knows.
Kapenta fish stink...we have established that.  I am trying to take encouragement from the first post and the fact that those fish are now gone...forever I hope. And that maybe, just maybe someday this plate of fish will also be digested and gone.  I sure hope so....but until then....nibble nibble nibble...I HATE Kapenta fish!